Sometimes I begin wondering who am I living this life for. I know deep inside I have to live it for God and fulfill His purpose for me in this life. And once in a while, it's alright to live it for yourself as well I suppose? Appreciating God's creation and taking it in while we still can. Yes, I am aware of that.

Nonetheless... I find myself keeping up to please everyone else but myself. I guess I don't really show it but I know myself best. And I can't lie to myself. I have little or no self esteem. Serious. You can call it hypersensitivity but I call it an inferior complex. I feel so grotesque as a human being. God knows why.

I gotta fix it fast before it takes complete control over me. And I guess in some ways I'm beginning to take control. But there are just certain areas that I can't help myself at all. I guess cuz I'm already starting to believe these little voices in me. Dun get me wrong. I am not schizophrenic or anything. But yeah.

I can kinda put my finger at the root of the problem I guess? The tongue is the worst weapon anyone can use to hurt others. I must say I am guilty of using it. But I can safely say that I am also a victim of it. And those sharp words have taken permanent residence in me. And they're breeding like vermins inside me each time someone decides to give me another share of negative comments, may it be deliberately done or not.

Insecurities. This one word basically sums up everything that I'm feeling right now.

urghhhhh pw :S

Average

Being average is kind of mediocre, don't you think? It makes you invisible, insignificant, unknown. Not that it's amazing to stand out. But I guess your unique trait (may it be good or not) will set you apart from the rest.

It was just a passing thought. Damn.

Sigh...

School's about to start again in about 8 hours' time. Damn.

I really wished that I had used my time better. I knew it would turn out this way but wells... At least I had a bit more hope a couple of days ago. I have not completed my homework and I haven't started my revision.

I SHALL BE MORE EFFICIENT TOMORROW! :D

Far away from efficiency

It's about 3.40 am right now and I haven't really completed any homework much less any revision for the day. The day as in since friday, not since 12mn. Omg... I am not making any sense.

Why is it that I have to study so many subjects when (I am strongly sure of it) I'm not gonna use 99.9% of what I learn in the later part of my life? The 0.1% being the sexual education that I learn in Biology which (yes, I will) I am going to make sure I drill into my children's (yes! I am going to reproduce and bear offsprings like what normal mammals do) brains. Abstinence is awesome! (I am a vervent supporter of my classmate's pw group's project.)

Gawd. PW. Seriously, why do they make things like that examinable?

Oh, I can't wait to perm my hair. I have a disgusting kink at the hair nearer to the top of my head cuz I rebonded my hair earlier this year. I can't help it dude. Mommy and Daddy gave me their curly/wavy (it's so vague, both their definitions I mean) gene. I look morbit. I had 2 options. Chop off all my straight hairs. But I'll look too masculine for my liking. And I bet I'll look like a lesbian. Or I could perm it. Yes, that's my option. Perm it, permit. Haha. Omg. I am going nuts. =S But I gotta grow it a bit longer and find the right hair salon to trust my tresses with. Or else I'll come out of the salon looking like an ajumma. No way. For now I shall do it up in a pony tail. Lalala!

Omg. This is random. But I am listening to an Indonesian song and I am writing in English. I know what you're thinking. "So what?" But me at 3.49am is not exactly the most sane being on the face of the earth.

I should probably stop now. Or soon? I feel like rattling off a bit longer.

I bet whoever's reading this (if there were even one) is beginning to get bored of me.

I shall aim to complete my math tutorial 18 tonite and bio evolution tutorial. I've given up hope on kinetics. I feel mentally retarded when my two eyebrows formed a bridge (yes, that's how it looked like when I frown) when I began reading the questions. This gotta change. If I want to do well for promos that is.

Okay... I think I am just throwing the random thoughts in my head into this poor blog. I shall award myself with the internet as soon as I'm done with those two dreadful things.

Bye internet. For now.

Farewell

A friend of mine just passed away this morning. She was just 15.

Even now I still couldn't believe that she has finally left this world. I thought maybe, just maybe, God would heal her of the cancer that had been eating her lungs up these past 2 years. Or maybe, just maybe, God would extend her life for a little bit longer for me to say my last goodbye to her. And thank you. But I guess He has made everything perfect in His time. And it's time for her to leave us.

Nonetheless, I was comforted at the fact that she had a peaceful death. While praying with her mom. I know that she's somewhere out there with the Lord. Painless. (:

But it was still very disheartening to see her family take in the fact that their dear loved one has left them. I bet it was extremely painful for her mom to dress her up for the last time. My mom helped out and later in the day she broke down while repeatedly telling me to promise her never to let her do the same thing to either my brother or myself. I don't want her to dress me up when I die, but neither do I want myself to dress her up when she passed on. It would be painful. Too painful.

And then came the time when each and everyone came one by one to see her for the last time. She seemed so serene. She wore a pink dress, complete with a tiara, a glove, stockings, ring and pillows. Her casket was majestic-looking. I still can't believe she's gone. I saw her when she was alive. And I saw her dead body. I didn't know her very well, but I do know that she was a strong person. I admire her courage and her undying faith in Him. Even at her worst and most painful moment she could still find the strength to continuously thank Him for what she had then. She thanked Him that if not for her sickness she wouldn't have known Him the way she did then. She never blamed Him for anything. I feel ashamed of myself. Countless of times I blamed Him for the littlest of matters. And there a girl fighting for her life but loving You unconditionally. I ought to be ashamed.

So I sprayed a bit of perfume on her. And wished my last goodbye. Hugged her mom, sister. And wished the rest of her family members well.

I thank Him that her battle has now ended and she has won victoriously. She beat all odds and has finally claimed her place as your beloved daughter. Till I see you again, May God Bless You.

I just have the sudden urge to post something in this barely alive blog. Not that anyone's gonna read it.

Here goes...

It has been 8 months since the year began and I can't deny the fact that I've changed quite a bit since then. The thing is, I'm not sure if it was for the better or for the worse. I'm bundled up with insecurities and I am totally aware of it. But am I doing anything about it? Not much. Instead, I think I am succumbing to it. It feels like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this shit. I guess I can say that I'm not happy with the way I am now. But I can't do anything about it.

Nonetheless.... (however)

I'm pretty much happy as well. At times I suppose?

Anyway I've decided not to ramble on about meaningless nonsense anymore in this blog. Neither am I going to talk about supposedly "intellectual" issues such as rape (if you know what I mean).

Shall start on it tomorrow. (: Hopefully I'll stay true to my word and really start tomorrow.